I Want Fulfillment, Not Success

I used to want to be an example of success; someone who inspires others to achieve more in their lives. I’ve somewhat modified that goal over the years, and now I just want to be an example of fulfillment.

In our culture, success and fulfillment seem to go hand in hand as descriptors for the same basic outcome. To me, however, success almost always implies some type of financial gain, or widespread recognition for some accomplishment. Fulfillment, on the other hand, connotes a feeling that is more personal and less dependent upon outer influences.

I want to be an example of fulfillment and inspire others to appreciate more in their lives right where they are in this moment. This might appear that I am telling folks to settle and to not strive for betterment for themselves and their circumstances. This is not the case at all. It’s just a matter of perspective.

By chasing success, the focus is on some future outcome that is expected to bring us fulfillment and happiness when we achieve whatever we set out to do. It’s easier to get trapped into the type of thinking that begins with, “I’ll be happy when…” or “Everything will be perfect when…”

With these beliefs, we place our feelings of fulfillment at some fuzzy point in the future, although these feelings are available to us now and can only be experienced in the “now”.

We pay lip service to the belief that true happiness and fulfillment come from within, but then our behavior and words show contradictory notions. Thinking about fulfillment as something that is achievable only in the future makes it a condition that is determined by external loci as opposed to our inner being.

Fulfillment happens when have gratitude and appreciation for the present moment. This does not mean negating your desire for your future goals, but simply being satisfied with the progress you’re making now and the path you’re on now to the same extent that you will be when you do actualize your goals.

If you are temporarily broke now and wish to be wealthy in the future, be mentally wealthy and appreciate what you have now. When you already have a wealthy mindset and you feel wealthy, your consciousness will be more aware of opportunities for wealth when they arise and you will be more prepared.

That is how our minds work. Think back to the time when you first got a new car. Before you got the car, you may have noticed one or two of the same make and model on the streets every now and then. But as soon as you got your baby, you were like, “Damn, does everyone drive a Focus?”

Maybe, a Focus wasn’t the car you had in mind, but you get the point.

Success as we conceptualize it implies a frame of reference to the future.

Fulfillment is now. Start from a place of fulfillment by taking gauge of your present life and appreciating it, no matter what your circumstances are.

Look for the good and start from a mental position that prioritizes and focuses only on the good.

Be who and what you want to be right now with your thoughts, and you will be ripe for materializing whatever it is that you have in mind.

Fulfillment exists in the present and is something that anyone can have, despite any recognizable displays of our culture’s version of success.

The 10 Freedom Zappers Series: #2 Your Desire to Fit In

This is my second post in an article series I’ve titled, “The 10 Freedom Zappers”.

“Freedom Zappers” are the things that can hinder or restrain us from thinking and living how we want.

The second freedom zapper I’d like to talk about is our desire to fit in.

As social creatures, it’s only natural that we have a desire to fit in with the various groups to which we belong. By fitting in, we rid ourselves of a sense of loneliness or emptiness that might arise when we are deprived of social interaction. We ensure that we always have others with whom we can relate to, share resources with, provide support and protection for, and just be there for when needed.

There’s nothing wrong with fitting in. But how often do we compromise our personal desires and values in order to do so?

In our teenage years, most of us had little concern for developing our own personal values. Children can be kind of evil, and they were sure to isolate and/or tease those who didn’t quite fit the acceptable mold. As adults, we have more freedom to direct our lives and surround ourselves with the type of people we want to be with. Oftentimes, we still feel that pressure to fit a particular mold.

Perhaps your social group is pressuring you to maintain a certain lifestyle in terms of buying the right type of clothes, driving the right type of car, and living in the right-sized house. Perhaps you’re naturally an introvert, but feel pressured to attend every social event in order to not offend anyone or look lame.

Our social groups can also pressure us into making huge life decisions, such as choosing a career we hate or marrying a certain person despite our heart’s desires.

Whatever the case, we should embrace our natural desire to fit in to our various social groups, but not without limits.

The majority of people in the world are followers instead of leaders. I’m talking about followers in terms of how they lead their lives. Instead of boldly taking chances and carving their own path, they look to others to tell them what to do and what is acceptable with their own lives.

Why live a life that’s based on following someone else’s path when we have the freedom and power to create our own paths?

The world actually wants and needs you to be bold in creating your own life. The way we are currently living is not resulting in increased levels of happiness and life satisfaction, despite the great technological advances and material gains we’ve accomplished. By setting limits on our desire to fit in, we can move in a direction that will result in increased happiness in more individuals.

What kind of limits am I talking about?

Any type of social pressure that compromises your personal values should be looked at extra carefully, no matter what social group you’re in. Of course to do this effectively, you must reflect and take inventory of your life values. We’ll discuss how to do this in a later post if you haven’t done so.

I’ll give you a quick, personal example of how I’ve limited social pressure from compromising my values.

I’m currently enrolled in a very rigorous doctoral program where the normal course load ranges between 25-30 hours per quarter. This is easily 10 or so classes that I would need to take every term in order to graduate on time.

I could just follow the conventional path and force myself through it, but some of my personal values are time freedom and living a life with minimal stress. People can judge those values all they want, but they’re mine, and that is how I live.

So to live in accord with my values, I’ve made the decision to take fewer classes than normal and extend the length of my program. This decision might not seem so earth-shattering, but within the context of hundreds of highly intelligent students with the herd mentality of “follow the plan and graduate on time at all costs”, this is an unpopular choice. But guess what? It was my choice.

In summary, don’t kill yourself for wanting to fit in. It’s perfectly natural. What’s unnatural, however, is totally neglecting your personal values and what you want. You shouldn’t feel guilty for putting yourself first and building a life that’s centered on what makes you happy. The world is waiting for you to break free and offer your unique outlook, attitude, and way of living. Be a leader in your life and put your desire to “fit in” in check.

In the next installment of “The 10 Freedom Zappers”, we’ll discuss your job/school and how it sucks the life out of you. More importantly, we’ll come up with some ways to change that.

The 10 Freedom Zappers Series: #1 Your Parents

This is my first post in an article series I’ve titled, “The 10 Freedom Zappers”.

“Freedom Zappers” are the things that can hinder or restrain us from thinking and living how we want.

The first freedom zapper I’d like to talk about are our parents.

The most formidable years of our life are largely influenced by our parental figures, who presumably do the best they can within their capacity to raise us to be decent people and to function optimally within society. This includes instilling their values within us, which we may or may not agree with as we grow and mature. Conflicting values can strain one’s relationship with his or her parents or pressure one to deny what they truly want in life.

There are numerous ways parents pressure their children to have the same values. I know a few people who decided early on that they weren’t “school people”, but who didn’t have a choice but to pursue higher education. Many parents see this life decision as non-debatable, and fear that their child will live a life without security and fulfillment if they do not pursue an education.

This pressure may even extend to the choice of one’s career. Most parents would love to brag that they raised the child that became the doctor or the lawyer or some other profession with a high income potential and societal respect. Children raised in immigrant families seem to be especially susceptible to this type of pressure.

What happens if the child doesn’t even value the type of careers with a high income potential? Or what if the child seems to want what others would consider just an ordinary job and not even a career? The stress and strain on familial relationships in such circumstances is palpable.

Parents also push their values in regards to religion and spirituality, relationships, sexuality, health, lifestyles, and various other aspects of life. Because they’re our parents and we love them, we try to please them as much as possible because we know that they act out of love and only want the best for us.

We must be careful, however, in not losing ourselves in the process. We must know that although our parents are trying to help us out of love, we have our own lives and our own journeys to figure out. We must follow our hearts and live lives that are true to us, or else we risk living a life of regret. This can lead to resentment toward our parents for blocking the paths we want to explore.

I think, at the end of the day, even if a child does not live up to all of their parents’ expectations, a child who is happy and fulfilled with his or her own decisions should garner the respect and satisfaction of any parent who wants the best for their child. Only you know what makes you happy, and the onus is on you to pursue a life of fulfillment and satisfaction.

If you feel pressured by your parents or other family members to live in a way that conflicts with what’s in your heart and with how you want to live, don’t get upset with them. Understand that they are victims of their own socialization and expectations and are probably coming from a place of love.

Above all, realize that this is your life. You will be the only one with regrets on your deathbed if you live a life that others have chosen for you and not the one you have designed for yourself. Whose life will you live? Yours or your parents’?

In the next installment of “The 10 Freedom Zappers”, we’ll discuss your desire to fit in, how it stops you from being who you are, and how to keep it in check.

Perspective Lessons from Non-traditional Students

As a traditional student in a rigorous doctoral program, I’m surrounded by some of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. Almost everyone I know graduated at the top of their class in high school and at their undergraduate institutions. Most are used to making only A’s in their courses with the occasional B.

We all pretty much agree that the intensity of the program itself lies more in the volume of the material and our time constraints than in the difficulty of the subject matter. Overall, because of the academic habits we’ve cultivated and honed over the years as traditional students, it would only take us minimal effort if we just wanted to “get by” and pass.

Then there are the non-traditional students. These are the students who have families to juggle, are starting a new career path, have been out of school for years and have to relearn academic skills, are significantly older than the general student population, just left the military, or simply have challenges that are more unique than us traditional students.

It interests me to see the differences in coping abilities between the traditional students and the non-traditional students when it comes to overcoming the challenges and obstacles of the program. At the end of the day, we all face the same academic obstacles and will graduate with the same degree, but some of us seem to handle the stress much better.

After failing a test or a class, the traditional students are more inclined to see themselves as a failure and treat it as if it’s the end of the world. The actual outcome itself is beyond their comprehension. They think, “How could this happen to me? This is the kind of stuff that happens to other people, not me!” They will go as far as begging professors for special treatment or even arguing with them for some perceived wrong. The behavior they exhibit is not an act of personal ambition or a demonstration of drive in getting what they want, but a sense of entitlement.

The non-traditional students, on the other hand, do show their disappointment after failing; but they tend to get over it quicker, realize that it’s not the end of the world, weigh their options, and move on. They know that their result on a test just indicates how they prepared and performed for that moment in time. The outcome is not a statement about who they are as a person and has no bearing on their personal identity. They are more likely to see it as just another challenge that they will learn and grow from.

I think we can learn a lot from the attitudes of non-traditional students. Their life experience has taught them perspective about what “real” obstacles are, so they are better able to manage their stress levels and expectations. I’m sure challenges like realizing you’ve been in the wrong career (or marriage) for 20 years can teach you that a failed class is definitely something that can be recovered from.

Let’s take this lesson beyond the classroom and look at a perceived failure in our lives. Is it something that only represents our behavior and actions at a particular moment of time, and thus do not encapsulate the dynamic and growing individuals that we are? Is it something we can recover from? Is it the worst thing we can possibly imagine going through?

I challenge you to look at your challenges from other perspectives and realize that, many times, it isn’t the end of the world, it’s not a statement about your personal being, and you can and will grow from them.

Beyond Credentials

I’m taking away all your credentials.

All of those official documents of certifiable self-esteem are all gone now.

That graduate degree that cost you countless nights of cramming, hangovers, and thousands of dollars in student loan debt? Gone.

That bachelor’s degree with honors and distinction, and some insignificant certification you never use but decided to pursue because you thought it would look good on your resume? That’s gone too.

That high school diploma you basically made just enough time to get in between your numerous extracurricular activities and the arguments with your controlling parents who “only wanted the best for you”? Poof!

You’re bare naked now and must go through life unable to claim all of those credentials you used to have. How will you fare?

For some people, this is akin to an identity crisis. To lose all of those certificates, diplomas, licenses, and documents that took so much hard work and time to acquire is like losing a sense of one’s self. Many think the whole point of even going through those programs, courses, and procedures is to get that “damn piece of paper” that doesn’t guarantee anything, but can hinder your opportunities if you don’t possess it.

From the people we associate with to our feelings of a sense of accomplishment, so much of our lifestyle is influenced by our credentials. What is its role when it comes to your identity and self-esteem?

In its most basic use, credentials are supposed to prove that its bearer has accomplished a certain minimum standard of competency. Among people with the same credentials, they do little more by themselves to differentiate who is more or less competent. It is up to the individual to demonstrate his or her experience, results, and track record.

Our driven, competitive culture can influence individuals to get attached to their credentials to the point where it becomes a central part of who they are. This can lead to disillusionment when people discover that others really do not care about their credentials as much as they think.

Yes, it’s impressive in the moment you first let someone know. But if your identity includes “PH.D in bioengineering” and “whore bag slut monkey”, I have a sneaking suspicion that one descriptor might weigh more on people’s minds than the other.

The point is, you are not your credentials. Credentials are something that you “have”, not something that you “are”. When you root your being or identity in things that are determined by other people, the foundation is likely to be unstable.

How would you feel about yourself if someone with even better credentials inevitably came along? If you do not base your identity on your credentials, this wouldn’t pose an issue. You would recognize that there are qualitative factors between you two that are incomparable.

Many people are often surprised when they meet highly credentialed individuals who are just humble, “normal” people. Perhaps there is a hidden assumption that these people will wear their credentials on their shoulders or act in a superior manner.

When you understand and believe that you are much more than your credentials, and that they are actually a very insignificant part of what people think of you as a person, you become more respectable and can make an even bigger impression.

What impression will you make on the world beyond your credentials?

To Be a Kid Again

What if you could go back to being a kid? Not the insecure teenager concerned with fitting in and finding herself, but the energetic, fun-loving brat who couldn’t give two shits about what other people thought. The kid who had little concern for the distant future or past. The kid who lived in the moment and was entertained by the simple things.

What if you could go back to not needing permission and not worrying excessively over what could possibly go wrong? You would just do anything you wanted to do, and see what happens next.

What if you could go back to not having to worry about social comparison? Back to not caring whether or not you’re dressed fashionably enough to be regarded by your peers. You’d be like, “Look, we’re kids. I don’t know the difference between Hanes or Huggies, but I could take or leave either one.”

What if you could go back to being the kid who didn’t know what he couldn’t do? The kid with a great imaginative spirit in which anything was possible. The kid who desired to be both an astronaut and a Pokemon. Nothing was out of reach.

What if you could go back to stopping at nothing to get what you want? You see the chocolate chip cookies that you desire, and your only obstacle is that bitch in the kitchen who keeps telling you that you already had one earlier. What the hell is that supposed to mean? It’s later now and you want another one, got damn it. You would nag, scream, cry, or adorably debate until you got what you wanted. If it didn’t work that day, it didn’t matter. You’d try again the next day.

What if you could go back to being you? Not the you that you were socialized and pressured to be. Not the you who learned to live in fear and stay within well-defined parameters of acceptable human behavior. Not the you who can be judgmental for no good reason; just because the object of judgment is what happens to be in vogue at the time.

The you who had passion, the you who created her own excitement in life, the you who took no moment for granted. Who didn’t stay stuck in excessive fear when it came to what she wanted, but just went for it. The you who felt he could do anything he desired in spite of what anyone else thought or said.

This you didn’t go anywhere.

She’s still there. Trapped within that invisible web of perceived limitations. She’s waiting to break free, but she needs a little help. She needs you to take the first step, make that first cut, and she will burst through the rest on her own.

The first step in reclaiming this you is to simply ask yourself, “If I were a kid again, what would I want to do right in this moment?” Start there as a first step no matter how stupid it sounds.

Now, excuse me. I’m about to devour the fuck out of this Fruity Pebbles cereal.

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” -Tom Tobbins

The Marketing Game

If you don’t know it yet, I’m here to tell you that big business exerts an exorbitant amount of influence on our society. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with big business, because they are only doing what they are legally and essentially obligated to do, and that is produce a profit. But because their investors’ and employees’ lifestyles and livelihoods are at stake, big business will go to great extents to accomplish their goals. Even if that means “playing” us, the consumers.

The amount of money spent on marketing their products and services to consumers ranges in the billions of dollars each year. We are used to all the marketing and advertising, and have become a bit desensitized to it in terms of being selective about what we actually go out and buy. However, the mental imprint of “lack” that all of this marketing cultivates can create problems for us.

Businesses exist to supply solutions that the market demands. They solve problems and can make lives easier. What many people do not consider is that demand and problems can also be cultivated, created, or manufactured. They do not have to exist before a solution is offered.

Lucy Hughes worked at the world’s largest media-buying company, Initiative Media, as the “Vice President, Director of Strategic Research and IMsight”. She is renown for designing a study that discovered “the nag factor”, which revolutionized the way advertisers marketed to parents via their kids. She had this to say after concluding the study: “You can manipulate consumers into wanting, and therefore buying, your products. It’s a game.”

Marketers cultivate a mental imprint of lack within us in order to sell us their products and services. By researching and appealing to our psychological desires and needs, marketers use subtle means of influence to bypasses our conscious awareness. Their message is that we are not “enough” as we are in terms of attractiveness, status, fulfillment, sexual performance, and many other aspects of life. They cannot fulfill their mission of making a profit unless they can convince us that we aren’t shit without what they have to offer.

You are being played unless you realize that you are a part of this marketing game. Marketing does not simply stop at commercials on television or internet banners. It aims to influence entire cultures and cultivate lifestyles and identities that are tied to the continuous purchasing of any given products or services.

Unlike other radical opinionators, I’m not going to tell you that big business and marketing is evil and conspiratorial (although I can understand the sentiment of that argument). I just want to ever so eloquently inform you that, “it is what it is”. It is up to you to understand the game and be a player instead of a computer character.

This means not letting something or someone else define you, recognizing that you are enough as you are, and making your consumer decisions based on what “you” want, not on what you are told to want. This isn’t an anti-consumerism message, this is a pro-you message. If you like the fancy whips and weaves, “do you” and buy them. But if it’s coming from a sense of internal lack or deficiency, stop and ask yourself whether you’re getting played or not.

Seek Authority Within

We surrender an immense amount of power and control over our lives when we blindly accept and follow authority figures. There is nothing wrong with trusting someone you respect, admire, and resonate with. The problem arises when this trust is freely given based solely on someone’s position, professional accomplishments, material wealth, fame, educational attainment, and other status indicators.

We forget that the authority figures are not infallible and often get things wrong. Just look at the course of human history. There was a time when the authority figures discovered (or assumed) and then propagated the belief that the earth was flat. Imagine millions of people believing that you could fall off the earth and into outer space if you traveled far enough in any direction.

Today, we might laugh and dismiss that notion as simply primitive thinking from which we have greatly advanced, but you know that authority figures are still fucking up even in these “modern times”.

Let me ask you something. How many planets are there in our solar system? If I asked you this question prior to 2006, you might have responded “9”: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto. This is what has been taught for hundreds of years, and is what we were required to rote-memorize because the authority figures told us to.

As you may know, in 2006, the authority figures, some of the brightest, most educated astrophysicists in the world, changed their minds and decided that Pluto is not a planet anymore. It is just a big piece of floating ice somewhere after Neptune.

I am being facetious to make a point and to get you to understand that the nature of knowledge and discovery is ever-evolving. Authority figures get it wrong all the time and try to come to a better understanding after realizing their error.

You possess all of the same mental faculties of authority figures and should not abdicate all of your critical and imaginative thought. Trust and obey yourself more often, especially when it comes to the important matters in your life, such as what truly makes you happy, what success means to you, what is your worth as a human being, and what is the right path for you to take.

Just as there are authority figures deciding and spreading the message of what qualifies as a planet, there are countless more trying to tell you how to live your life when it comes to more relevant and important matters.

We explicitly and implicitly receive messages like, “you should pursue money if you want to be happy” and “your worth and value to society is determined by the prestige of your career”.

Those who depend on the “authority without” blindly accept these messages and allow them to impact the course of their life. Those who respect the “authority within” question all messages and make the authoritative decision whether to accept them or not.

Albert Einstein believed that, “The only source of knowledge is experience.” Yes, I am using an appeal to authority to influence you. But this authority figure, often acclaimed as a “genius”, is basically telling you to trust yourself and your own experiences for the knowledge that governs your life.

Ignore what I say. Seek authority within.

The Invisible Strings of Society

Are you aware of the “invisible strings” of society?

They exist as a hidden web of ideas, beliefs, attitudes, traditions, world views, and perceptions. They influence and color our experience of the universe to ensure conformity, stability, and predictability in society.

They impact every aspect of our lives. They tell us how to behave, what to think, and who we are. If we are not careful in discerning them, the lives we live will not be our own. We will feel “stuck” in an existence we had no part in designing. We will feel as if we cannot control the biggest uses of our time, such as our work. We will feel as if we are deficient if we do not live up to the expectations engendered by these invisible strings.

The power of these invisible strings derive from our lack of awareness of them and the social consequences of untangling ourselves from their constraining grip. Without awareness, we cannot examine them and consciously choose which ones we want to accept into our lives, if any.

We run on autopilot when we do not recognize the web created by these strings, which traps us in conformity. The comfort of being amongst millions of others also running on autopilot makes the strings even more powerful.

When we awaken, however, we realize that these strings have no intrinsic power. The only power they have is the power we give them.

The strings are helpful in the sense that their illusory nature helps us to remember the reality of who we are. Unfortunately, the “who” we think we are often thinks it is above getting influenced. This “who” exists in the realm of mind and ego, which are only tools, not our true essence.

We think all of our ideas, notions, and the products of our mind are our own. Or that they are self-justified just because we perceive them as coming from us. We seldom question why we believe what we believe, but will defend to the death against anything that compromises our mental homeostasis. We often do not consider the effects of our natural cognitive biases on our perceptions of the world.

If we do not examine all of these things and ask “Why?” we allow the web of invisible strings to hold us in a state that is comfortable for the status quo, but not conducive to realizing our full potential.

The philosopher Socrates tells us frankly that, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” When was the last time you examined your life? Take this time to reflect on your journey thus far.

Are you completely happy with where you are right now? Are you living with authenticity? Do you care too much about what others think of you? Sometimes, we fall short of some of society’s expectations. Does this bother you?

Together we will recognize and untangle ourselves from the invisible strings that hold us back from living the lives we truly desire. We will choose freedom, discover and appreciate who we really are, and live the lives we want to live.